This journal says I haven't updated in 37 weeks.

Let me tell you why.

I joined the U.S. Army.

Basic training was, physically, a cake walk. However, it was my first time out of California and the first time I was really away from home. I cried a lot, I developed stress fractures in both of my feet, and I left basic combat training with bronchitis. However I graduated from BCT on March 27, 2009. I was given leave for 10 days and spent them loving on Zachary and catching up with my parents and extended family.

Zach's dad passed away on March 13, while I was in BCT. I was utterly heartbroken when I found out and tried to get home to him, but the Army doesn't work like that.

After my leave I was assigned to Fort Huachuca where I currently am. I live in the barracks and it's depressing.

My job is, so far, very redundant. I do the same thing day in and day out. I vaccinate dogs and cats and do preventative care on the military working dogs. There's a lot of large animal medicine to be done, and I was lucky enough to be stuck on the one post that does quite a bit of work with horses. I hate horses.

I am going on leave in 18 days. I need to go home and collect the rest of my belongings. I also miss the company of Zach dearly.

We've had a recent talk of marriage and it's getting my hopes up.

Tomorrow I'm running in the 12th Annual Combat Medic Memorial Run. Then I'm in charge of working the VTF booth with my captain. Oh yay...it's over by 11 I hope.

I'll come back to this when I have something interesting to write about.

Tell me why "Elanor Rigby" is such a fucking great song? I love it.

I wish I could play the cello. So bad...

I went to see Mama Mia with my mother and her sister today...ugh. I want that two hours of my life back. Afterwards, we went to Placerville to see my grandfather and step-grandmother (but I don't call her that). It was not terribly exciting. I had no reception, which meant no texting. Babe won a bike on Ebay for me while I was away. We ate a very yummy Hungarian meal, stayed longer than I thought was necessary, and drove my aunt home. Well, to my grandmothers where she is staying. Aunt Carla gave me a beautiful white cotton dress. Sadly my boobs are too small to fill the dress out correctly, but mom says dad can fix that by taking the dress in on the sides.

I hate my fucking hair. If I'm not complaining about one thing, it's another. It's so...blah. I don't feel cute at all anymore. I used to have cute hair. I want a little poof thing in the front...too afraid to try. I want to put it up in a bandana all cute and Rosie the Riveter like...too afraid to try. Whatever. I guess if babe thinks I'm cute then that is all that matters. He's the only one I need to impress anyway. I'm dying it soon, though.

I guess going so many days without seeing Zach has been okay. I'm getting better already. I still think about him a lot, though. I'm afraid to ask him to hang out with me now. I agreed to stop bothering him all the time, but now I'm worried if I ask to hangout, I'm going to be bugging him. What the hell is wrong with me...

I'll just wait for him to be like, "um, want to hang out?" and go from there. I'm trying so hard not to fuck this one up. No one has any idea what he means to me. He gets me. I feel like myself around him. I've never pretended to be anyone I wasn't, but I haven't always acted myself or made my true self known. I don't have to pretend, I just hide. By that I mean that I have taken the "shy girl" route in order to avoid talking to people and I have avoided social gatherings for the same reason. Around Zach, I can be my goofy, quirky self. Somtimes I feel like a child, othertimes I think he has fun letting go, too. Only somtimes, though.

I can walk naked in front of him and not really worry. I can tell him my secrets. I can tell him the things I worry about. I can tell him my fears and desires and, for the most part, I think he actually listens. We laugh a lot together. We fool around like kids. I guess most people would call this "horse play" but whatever. I just feel like he's the one piece of the world I want to let into my life because it's safe. That's another thing I don't think anyone else really understands about me. I don't even think Zach understands how safe he makes me feel. I know there's a lot of evil in the world, a lot of corruption and lying. A lot of cheating, stealing and inconsideration. I feel safe from these things when I'm with him and that is more than I can say for anyone or anything else in this world except maybe my mother and father, but I could only say that until I was about 16...then I was "too old" to see them as a place to run to if the world got to be too scary or overwhelming. I probably would run to them now if Zach didn't want to deal with me. I think he's up to it though. He doesn't even have to do anything. The bond we have makes me feel safe. The more I get to know about him, the more I trust him. I couldn't ask for more.

I'm having a really hard time at work.

I've always been told you don't have to love the people you work with, or get along with them, but I could not disagree more. I do not necessarily argue or have conflict with anyone, it's just these two individuals that talk to me like I'm an idiot. On more than one occasion I've bit my tongue and just let them talk down to me. It's really embarrassing and makes me feel really stupid...

I suppose I could allow these times to humble me, but it goes so much farther than that. Into humiliation, and I cannot believe they are okay talking to each other the way they do.

I walked with Addie today, talked with her about her group. I hope she gets better and is one day happy with herself, because we both have good intentions and good hearts and the world needs people like that.

Although, she did sort of piss me off when I mentioned the reason for the distance and coldness between us. I asked why she told Zach my secrets, but better yet, why did she twist them around? She said she was sorry, "it just came out as...as word vomit." Yea, well your "word vomit" almost cost me my relationship. I told her she had everything really wrong, and that I never said those things to insult Zach. Most of them were said because of how endearing he can be. She apologized and really, I just wanted Zach to hear that she had indeed been wrong. I know he believes me...well, I think he does, but to hear her admit she "may" of said things differently would have made me feel a little better. Oh well,she said sorry. She also told me, "I don't want you to not trust me because of this" but she has burned that bridge. I will not tell her much of anything anymore in fear that it will come back to haunt me, though they are legitimate feelings and thoughts. I don't want my words twisted around anymore.

I miss my babe. Today would have been an ideal day for a hug. Oh well...

His mom told me during the game the other night that she used to put Zach in one of those baby carriers that straps to the front of you, and she would vacuum the house with him strapped to her and he would fall asleep so fast...haha, the thought of it made me go "awww" and smile. The idea of it made me so happy. He's so adorable!

I had every intention of going to drop off his clothes and go. I didn't want to try and persuede him to take me back because I'm not going to beg. Every single time I looked around and thought, "I'm never going to be comfortable in this place again" I would start to cry. I would never get to sit back and watch him get ready and admire his body, I would never get to be giddy about him coming home. I would never get to lay naked in bed with him at 6 o'clock in the morning and watch the dogs wrestle. Every little thing made me cry and my head filled with regrets. Over and over.

He asked about the message I had left earlier in the day and I told him that I was making sure he knew he still owed me a movie. He offered then to take me to see a movie...I was so unsure about how to act. It was hard thinking I couldn't touch him, kiss him or tell him stupid mushy lovey shit...not that I normally do. I just didn't know how to act like "just a friend" so I tried my best, just asked questions and tried to be happy with the fact that at least we were hanging out.

We went to eat before the movie, but eating took too long and we missed our show. I kissed his cheek and immediately wanted to kick myself. It was so hard not to touch him. He was like a fucking magnet and I, a stupid girl full of impulse and a desire to be close.

He drove us back to the apartment and offered to walk to the park to talk. I had told him about joining the military, and I felt bad afterwards as I think this sort of worried him. I had no intention of doing that, I just wanted to tell him about my new motivations and plans. He told me if it was what I wanted, go do it. He didn't want to hold me back. I admire him for being honest and for giving me every oppertunity to do what I want. I don't think he's ever told me I could not do something. However, I told him I'd much rather be his girlfriend and find a purpose some other way.

I'm going to go back to school and I'm going to find some organization to volunteer for. Something along those lines. Something to keep me busy.

I was so happy when we stopped at a new park to talk. It was late at night, no one was around, and it was just him and me sitting on this uncomfortable play set talking about everything. These are my favorite times with him. He apologized for breaking up with me on the phone. He said he understood that I don't always get the affection I deserve, but that he could work on putting a bit more effort into it if it meant I wouldn't bug him all the time for it. At this point, I will take what I can get. I cannot describe how empty I felt the last few days without being able to call him mine.

If he gave me the attention I wanted all the time, and spent all of his time with me, I'd be in the same horrible position I put myself in with Kirk. It just doesn't work for adults to behave like that. I explained that by working together with this, he is loved for who he is, and I can get the help I need in order to be a well-adjusted lover and adult. His desire for alone time and his desire to see me be a bit more independent will help me in the long run. It may not be what I wanted at the start, but now I know it is tough love that I need. Not too tough. I just cannot always have what I want, when I want it.

I love him. I love and admire his motivation to want to go to school. I love that he cares about the work he puts on people's bodies. I love that he is willing to see my point of view and meet me halfway.

I love that he had sex with me in the park....hahaha.

Oh my god. Soo sexy, I wanted him so bad.

He had another softball game tonight. It's only their second game and they did so much better! Zach is really a great player, I don't care how much he gets down on himself. I know he may think I am obligated to praise him, but he really is a great player. He's also a wonderful artist. He's so intelligent, and he is so understanding when he wants to be.

I spent the past few days with Alex. She allowed me to mope about her house, she kept me company. However she told me I was settling for less with Zach. I was so hurt by this because no one else sees what I see in Zach. No one. Maybe his family. But I cannot even begin to put in words how amazing he really is. He is my best friend, and I trust him with anything. I never thought I was settling. I never believed him when he said I could do better. I want his love and it is just as real as anyone's else's. How could I do better? How could I be settling? I cannot wrap my head around the idea that Zach is somehow less capable of being a decent human being as I am. No fucking way. He's incredible. I'm leaving it at that. Those who doubt my capability to judge what is best for me have no idea that I feel the safest with Zach, and I feel the most at peace when I am with him. Why doesn't anyone feel like he is capable of making another human being, specifically me, feel that way? He does...every single day that I have known him.

I'm ready to work on myself. I'm ready to be honest about my shortcomings, and I'm ready to face my own inner deamons, no matter how big or small. I'm ready to find my purpose.

I'm going to bed. Smiling. Finally fucking smiling for once!

I've already recieved interest from the opposite sex.

And it makes me so fucking sick to my stomach. I just wish babe was there to take my hand and send them away.

Someone help me.

He just called and my heart fucking raced as fast as it did the first time he ever called me. That first time made my hands shake and my stomach flutter and this time my hands shook and my eyes filled with tears...

This cannot be happening.

Nothing I do takes my mind off of this.

We went to the bar to watch the MMA fights and I had a very vivid moment of deja vu. But I know where the image first came from. I had this dream that I went out to a bar without Zach and I started to panic because I wanted him there. I was facing the door, not to leave, but from the barstool and just waiting for him to come inside and take my hand and take me away. And without thinking, last night that exact same thing happened. The same look of the bar, the same empty feeling. It was strange.

I know break ups are supposed to hurt but this is such an deep and empty feeling. I really just want my babe back...

I don't even care anymore that he rarely hugs me...I'd take one if it was the last one I ever got.

I've thrown up so many times. I can't eat. I had the worst time sleeping. Everytime I go to lay down my heart races. There's a 50 pound weight on my chest that I cannot get rid of no matter how many times I try.

I am full of more regret than I ever thought was possible.

My heart is beating so fast.

I'm halfway asleep and then I realize this might be the end of us, and it's not some crappy dream. It's actually happening and I cannot control my heavy breathing and racing heart. I'm really starting to panic...

I hate not having control. I really feel like I'm going to lose it.

This is a fucking panic attack...and I don't know what to do. I'm shaking so bad.

I tried telling myself that, I, myself, am the only warm body I need. I tried telling myself to calm down, to get over it, to accept that Zach might not need to be loved, and that it's okay to let go. I tried drinking water. I tried holding my breath.

I'm trying. And my heart just beats faster. I can't breathe and I'm out of fucking Albuterol.

Without a doubt, I have loved you more than any other person in this entire world.

My love is unconditional.

Friend's only. Yup!

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